Entries for November, 2007

November 2, 2007
NOT OKAY
Posted at 02:07 AM

I am not feeling well … for the past month or more.

 

TIRED
Emotionally. I’m doing it again. Pulling away from people who want to be with me, and forcing myself on people who don’t. Then I indulge in another self-pity party for being alone, or left out. I must have a perverted sense of belongingness, wanting only what I can’t have. Must relearn how to appreciate the people who are here., near and dear to me.

 

Physically. Out-of whack circadian clock, finals week, chasing an elusive sales goal, achieving CC goals by the skin of my teeth, emceeing/invitation-writing/makeup applying/looking female during my parent’s silver wedding anniversary, choir rehearsals for 4 Christmas concerts, etc etc etc. I have yet to learn that I AM NOT INDISPENSABLE. I am now officially burned out. Which is probably why I am also:

 

 

SICK
Physically. All work and no play gave me my first asthma attack in 3 years. I have been coughing and sneezing for a fortnight now. Aside from fatigue, running around during a rainy evening and sleeping in house full of cats triggered the attack. As a result, HR has sent me another love letter for my attendance and my budget has been severely depleted thru medicine purchases. At least it’s sem break; my body knows when it can afford to be sick.

 

But wait, I don’t have time to rest. My schedule is now full until the first week of December. Classes will be in full swing by mid-November, choir practices won’t go away, and yeah, I also have graveyard shift. I just have to remind myself (from Kuya Boyet’s text): you want to be ALIVE for those events, right? That puts things in perspective.

 

 

Spiritually. Whatever you call it, a valley, a wilderness, a desert, I am definitely smack in the middle of one right now. My spirit is sick. And I have no one to blame but myself. Why do I keep chasing after things that do not satisfy? Good thing I went to the Prayerwatch last Wednesday. Isaiah 55 indeed. I just pray that I can finally get back what I lost: passion and purpose.
  

 

LOVED
Yet still, I am loved. My theme song for right now:

 

You search me, you know me
You see my every move
There’s nothing I can ever do
To hide myself from you
You know my thoughts, my fears and hurts
My weaknesses and pride
You know what I am going through
What I feel inside

 

And even though you know
You will always love me
Even though you know
You’ll never let me go
I don’t deserve your love
Yet you gave it freely
You will always love me
Even though you know.










November 2, 2007
HE EXPLAINS IT WELL
Posted at 04:27 AM

It shames me to admit this, but I have a difficult time explaining why I believe. Oh, I know (memorized soon I hope) the verses and the historical facts. Yet to explain my faith in a way that would be effective, straightforward and non-judgmental seems nigh impossible. People would either get defensive, critical or offended; or some give a non-committal “I see” then think “I thought you were smart. I guess not…”

 

How I wish I can be ready, in season or out of season, to give a reason for the hope that I have.

 

For now, I’ll borrow the words of one of our churchmates. I would have chosen another word except for religion… but he explains it well.

 

Salonga, a man of faith: Eloquent, lyrical, compelling
By Dante Velasco
Inquirer


Not By Power Or Wealth Alone
By Jovito R. Salonga
Regina Publishing, 2007
MANILA, Philippines—You will be grabbed by a deep sense of nostalgia for a heroic leader when you read this book, “Not by Power or Wealth Alone,” written by one who lives this article of faith till now.
Carefully note the present tense, because the writer has lived to be over 80— living audaciously to make a difference, one more time, in the life of a nation still sadly divided by many issues.
Once in a rare while, his cogent analyses of issues on politics, law and governance find their way to the pages of the Inquirer—to provide a sharp insight, a compelling persuasion or an ennobling thought above and beyond the reach of petty partisanship or feeble lawyerly arguments.
He’s widely known as one who became the Senate President who achieved, against all odds, what others failed to do—dismantle the foreign military bases. It was he who was most qualified to be President but—to the eternal regret of many—did not make it because he ran on a platform of “principled politics.”
He lost the presidency, and yet he won—and continues to win—the hearts of many freedom-loving, democratically committed and virtue-driven people.
Much is known about the public man—Jovito R. Salonga—but less is known about the private person, the inner world of Author Salonga. This book is a rare chance to take a peek at Salonga’s inner life.
This anthology of speeches, devotional messages, sermons, reflections and eulogies show Salonga’s depth of wisdom, range of interests and, yes, height of his dreams.
Theodore Roosevelt spoke of men wounded and scarred in the “arena of action”—here’s a man who was really tortured by the Japanese Kempetai and was almost lifeless when a bomb exploded in Plaza Miranda in August 1971.
This man prayed and said: “So that I may learn to consecrate myself to something bigger than life itself, so that I may realize the truth that to have broken bones, to be physically shattered and crippled is not of great moment as long as we do not allow anyone to break our faith in God, and cripple our love for our fellowmen.”
The author himself explains it, quoting a poet: “Vengeance may be sweet, but it is not really sweet if it robs a man a peaceful night, makes his days darker and stifles the song that should be in his heart.” This is a quote from a message speaking of the power to forgive delivered on Channel 2 on Good Friday in 1972.
Whence come the uncommon strength and courage of the author? He provides us a clue In a speech before cursillistas: He finds strength from his faith: “To some people, religion is a little air-conditioned compartment on the side of life, an escape, a refuge from the real issues. But the meaning of the Christian gospel is that religion is everything—or it’s nothing.”
This author-leader disproves the point of Nikolai Lenin that religion is the “opiate of the people.” The author’s 1969 New Year reflections show he remains attuned to sobering realities about the people, while so-called “religious people” tune them out:
“There are things I do not want to forget—the suffering I saw in the provinces, the injustice of incredible poverty in many of our villages and barrios, the lack of opportunity among our people bound by years of misery. It is by remembering those little faces of children, haunted by hunger and by the fear of tomorrow that I realize there is still so much to be done.”
The author’s thoughts about his encounters with leaders are both revealing and instructive. Because of that, they are tinged with irony since the people he dealt with were shifting positions on issues or even on ethical matters.
Salonga recalls his prayer in a National Prayer Breakfast in Manila Hotel, with President Arroyo in attendance, and recited this statement (that should now be timely considering the controversial presidential pardon that was met with mixed emotions by the country):
“In case of doubt, we should choose the hard right over the easy wrong; and when we are tempted to compromise, we should remember that anything can be compromised except truth and justice.”
The author also recalls advising a head of state, in connection to a wiretapping incident in 2005, saying: “My advice to the President was quite simple and direct: ‘Be not afraid to tell the truth’.”
As expected, this book of speeches and short remarks are also adorned by the usual niceties about speech making. What one notices, though, is that the words and phrases rise to the level of eloquence and lyricism not by a conscious use of rhetorical devices—but by the sheer force of the man’s thoughts and the pure simplicity and beauty of one so committed to higher causes and principles.
Actually, one better understands the durability and extreme relevance of Author Salonga in a eulogy where he quoted a rabbi: “Many people are not afraid of dying; they are afraid of not having lived. What frightens people is the dread of insignificance, the notion that we will be born and live and one day die—and none of it will matter.”
This man matters to this country in desperate search for modern-day heroes. This simple quote from the book is a clarion call: “Greatness is all about service, not about power or wealth.” This rings especially true for this author-leader.
(dantemvelasco@yahoo.com)

 











November 8, 2007
INVENTORY OF BLESSING NOVEMBER EDITION
Posted at 05:10 AM

This entry is inspired by several posts by my fellow bloggers.

 

First, Trent at The Simple Dollar (one of my favorite financial blogsites to lurk at) http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/11/01/revisiting-the-happiness-scale/#comments and his entry on the happiness scale. He gives a rating for things he enjoys doing and rates them on a happiness scale. According to the book Stumbling on Happiness:

 

Take a set of experiences in your life and put them on a scale of 1 to 10, where the 10 is the greatest happiness you’ve ever experienced. For most people, experiences above a 2 or a 3 put them in a positive mood. Now, imagine a piece of your favorite kind of cake. Where does it rank on that scale? For some people, it might rank a 3, or a 5 - it depends on a lot of different factors.

 

Then he proceeds to compare this list to the actual monetary value he spent to experience them. He realized that most of his happiest experiences were absolutely free.

 

After all my whining and caterwauling entries, I guess it’s time to follow their example. Here are 2 lists; my top 5 in the happiness scale and the inventory of reasons to be thankful for this past month (inspired by ate jam and ate dap etc).

TOP3 HAPPIEST DATES (they all get a 10 on the scale)
  • August 2002 when the eternity-shaped hole in my life was filled.
  • April-May 2003 Kawayan Camp, one month leadership training for IVCF. This remains the Everest among my mountaintop experiences.
  • April 1, 2005 thesis defense and my professor told me, “Ms Mariano, you will march on the 20th.” Whee!

BLESSINGS
  • friends who keep me sane, motivated and well-fed
  • grades for first sem MA…miraculous indeed
  • sembreak and forced rest due to an asthma attack
  • silver wedding anniversary of my parents
  • bonding time with the Vesper choir
  • text messages that simply say, I miss you, kumain ka na ba, gising ka na? and buhay ka pa?
  • finally! I’ve almost memorized our Christmas cantatas. Almost.
  • 10pm-7am shift. No traffic. Extended sleep. Yey
  • 10 months in this job. Amazing.
  • Free books, movies and pictorials from my friend, shrek. Heehee.
  • A make-over session and new glasses
  • Coffee and a book from Canada. I miss Twinkle.
  • A new website! Under construction pa.
  • A timely reminder of why I am here and why I should stay.

TAKE HOME:
What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

 











November 13, 2007
DANGEROUS WHEN ASLEEP
Posted at 06:46 AM

Danger 1
Eating while asleep is fraught with risk. Sleepiness may cause the victim to accidentally chomp down not just on food, but also on a metallic fork or spoon. This results in a jarring pain, speechlessness, ingested enamel fragment and a chipped front tooth. Not yet tried on plastic cutlery. Frequency: 4

 

Danger 2
Sleeping in the bus or jeepney is inevitable. While it may relieve drowsiness, one may be subject to snatchers or simply miss your stop. Chronic neck and shoulder pain is also a given. Frequency: almost daily

 

Danger 3
In the course of a conversation, gibberish may suddenly come out. You think you make sense, but ask the person you were speaking with and they’d say “huh?” Some people may become more gullible or more trusting when drowsy. Frequency: weekly


 

Danger 4
Walking while asleep is very dangerous. One can collide with a kariton/stall, roof, posts, or anything that is stupid enough to get in the way. Results in brain trauma, headache, bleeding or big bump in the noggin. And of course, loss of dignity when done in public.

Frequency: last Sunday.

Danger 5

DO NOT DISTURB, THIS ANIMAL WILL BITE

-sign posted when I'm hibernating











November 15, 2007
FOR THE RIGHT REASONS
Posted at 02:44 AM

part of an address given by Ajith Fernando to the Evangelical Missionary Alliance annual conference in November 1997.

A Theology of Groaning
Paul dedicated his inner being to people he was close to; he yearned for them. That yearning is a missing factor in ministry now. It is too painful to yearn any more. But it is yearning that produces urgency. He said "Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel." (1Corinthians 9:16) He was passionate for the gospel. That passion caused him to do whatever it took to share it with others. Today we're afraid of such urgency. So we don't yearn for people like Paul did.

When we open our lives to others we make ourselves vulnerable to pain. To love is to hurt often. Using the vivid imagery of a woman in labor, Paul expresses this in Galatians 4:19: "My dear children, for whom I am in the pains of childbirth until Christ be formed in you, how I wish I could be with you and change my tone, because I am perplexed about you." He identified so much with the Galatians that he hurt over their theological confusion.

The Christian life as a life of groaning, as we long for our full adoption and redemption of our bodies (Romans 8:23). Present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. After a huge catalogue of trials, Paul says, "We do not lose heart, for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." (2Corinthians 4:16) So we have a theology of groaning. The groan of those who look forward to glory.

Handling Stress
Paul lived a stressful life because of his commitment to the flock. "Besides everything, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches. Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led to sin and I do not inwardly burn?" (2Corinthians 11:28) Today, stress is looked upon as something to avoid. But it is all part of opening our lives to
others. Paul wrote, "We love you so much that we delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God, but our lives as well." (1Thessalonians 2:8) That's a very beautiful verse.

Some stress is wrong stress. We don't know how to take our Sabbath rest. We are "driven" people, getting fulfilment out of success in a competitive society. Perhaps we suffer from a "Messiah complex," refusing to delegate, and we bear burdens which we should have shared with other people. Biblical stress comes out of love for others, not out of a lust for achievement. If we take on biblical stress, we must be strong by having the strength that comes from the joy of the Lord.

Finding Joy
For Paul, this was the one joy which always remained. "Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice." (Philippians 4:4) That is something we must jealously guard. How do we guard it? He goes on: "Let your gentleness be evident to all." When the joy of the Lord is missing, gentleness goes, and if provoked, we can act in an ungentle way. So how do we get joy which will make us gentle? The answer is simple. "Don't be anxious about anything." (Philippians 4:6) We may have the stress of life, but we can't have the anxiety of unbelief.

This peace, like this joy, is essential to life. It guards us. It guards our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Here is the key to managing stress: grapple with God until joy and peace in believing returns. Only then can we go to the world and take on the stress we need to absorb, if we are to be his agents in a torn world.

There's a lovely example of this from the life of Hudson Taylor just after Maria, his first wife, had died. He first went to his room and spent time alone with God, then he came down to see to arrangements. When it was time to close the coffin, he took one last look at his beloved wife, and went again up to his room. Only after this did he come back to complete plans for the burial. It was a discipline he had cultivated. This joy is a treasure we must guard with the utmost diligence, and guarding it is a discipline.

John Stam of the China Inland Mission, who was shot along with his wife by the Communists - when they were 29 and 30 years old - once said "Take away everything I have, but do not take away the sweetness of walking and talking with the King of Glory." Take away everything I have - this I must have, the joy of the Lord. We must develop our own ways of restoring this joy.

God taught me this when I was having a hard time with my studies at a Buddhist university, and staying in a Buddhist home. I developed the discipline of walking, sometimes three or four miles, until I felt the joy of the Lord in my life, and regained a sense of his sovereignty. Only then would I turn back. Walking home, I began to intercede. But no intercession until the grappling with God is complete.

Missionaries For the Right Reasons
So what can we learn from this as missions? In inviting people to join you in your task, use biblical means, not promises of excitement and fun. "Come and see the world, meet wonderful people" and all of that. To produce missionaries who know how to suffer, use biblical truth that can sustain them when the going gets tough. By that I mean the glory of the gospel. When Jesus sent people out, he said "Christ will suffer and rise, and repentance and forgiveness will be preached." That was part of the Great Commission. The content of the gospel is a tremendous motivation to go and share the gospel.

James Denney once spoke at a missions conference and almost his whole talk was on propitiation. Those who invited him were wondering "What on earth is this man up to, talking on propitiation?" And just in his conclusion, he said, "If this is so, we must go and preach the gospel." Let people see what it is to be separated from God. And let them see the call of God to deny themselves, and take up the cross, and die. (Mark 8:34,35) The glory of the gospel; the lostness of the people; the call to die. We can find missionaries who come for the right reasons.











November 20, 2007
WHAT MADE A KILLER WEEK BEARABLE
Posted at 05:40 AM

This weekend made me reconsider my commitments. I am killing myself with all the things I have agreed to do and all the activities I wanted to join. I love to do all of them, but it has become suicidal to do so. I now promise my throbbing head, aching shoulders/back, and wheezing lungs a vacation in December and a clean slate in January. And my tired heart and confused mind a retreat ASAP.
Still, got lots to be thankful for in the midst of 36+ hours of sleeplessness:
  • Affirmation of my current feeling of discontent from one of my favorite blogs  (from Trent’s review of Getting a Life): “frugality opens the door to countless opportunities in life. If you’re able to not spend much, then you’re not required to chase a high-salary job that stresses you out. Instead, you can chase other goals, ones that are more in line with your passions and talents.
  • A successful Lipa concert and having a tape reording of Zai Perez’s voice… that girl has the voice of an angel. And my gown fit! Thank goodness for corsets.
  • Learning that the class I was absent for last Thursday was cancelled due to the inclement weather.
  • Seeing the risers and props for the Dec 2 cantata…inspiring.
  • Chats with faraway friends in Thailand, Iloilo, etc. Thanks for clearing my head and “listening” to my rants.
  • Hibernating the whole weekend and watching mindless TV programs for a change.
  • 2 hour full body massage … heaven. Though the woman massaging me was surprised when I asked her to use her elbows; I couldn’t feel the pressure when she just used her hands, my back is a mess.
  • Coffee bonding date with 2 sisters from the IVPM grads conference. Amazing, I now have a social life and 3 additional starbucks stickers
  • Opening a new bank account, having a semi-decent pipeline and earning extra cash through brownies.
  • A sign, or should I say signs, in abundance that the time has come to move on. There is peace in knowing that I am about to make the right decision and finally fulfill my purpose.
  • And learning in MA class that it is okay to start sentences with conjunctions and that it is alright to split infinitives. Yehey!










November 21, 2007
COFFEE, CANTATAS, AND THE FIRST DAYS OF THE 2ND SEMESTER
Posted at 05:35 AM

TO STARBUCKS OR NOT TO
That is the question. It’s Christmas season again and that ubiquitous luxury coffee chain is offering its overpriced planner to the gullible masses. Shamefully, I’m one of those who have a little blue card with an increasing number of tiny cup stickers on them. Should I continue collecting them or do I just dump the card in a trashcan?
PROS: I love, adore, am absolutely addicted to and cannot live without brewed coffee. The thought of a cup of hot caramel macchiato makes me salivate. More than a quarter of a year of Starbucks deprivation is enough sacrifice, I think. The 2008 planner is quite an improvement from last year’s bulky monstrosity: this time it’s slim, with a brown leather cover and nice paper. Also, part of my money would go to a charity.
CONS: I did the math and buying enough coffee to qualify for the planner would cost more than 2 grand. Hu-what?! I already have a coffee machine and a tin can of Tim Horton’s at home; I still can’t cook but I think I have a future as a barista. Anyway, the whole Christmas tradition thing is one big marketing gimmick and I loathe the idea of being a victim of materialism.
Unfortunately, I think I’m a willing victim for this scheme. I’m planning to have lots of coffee dates this December. Let’s see how far I can collect stickers on other people’s money. Hahaha. Also, if I’m depressed about you know what, there’s nothing like the sweet aroma of caffeine to cheer me up. Sigh.
SING A SONG (SONGS) OF GLADNESS AND CHEER
Posted pictures of the Lipa cantata last November 16 with the Lipa Evangelical Church Vested Choir. We sang 5 traditional carols and a 1-hour Christmas cantata, or a set of a dozen songs telling a story. Memorized and with choreography, in Filipiniana attire. Listening to the recordings, I am amazed at how God can use a bunch of musically semi-literate people with ordinary voices to produce such beautiful music. We’re supposed to reprise the lot on November 30, but I’ll have to beg off. I have the sniffles again and that is the end-of-the-month-torture-season-crunchtime-pressure-cooker for salespeople like me.
All my weekends since September have been consumed in practices for another cantata for our church’s 75th anniversary. More than a hundred members from Cosmopolitan Church’s 6 choirs are part of this production. Titled “Welcome to Our World,” it’s not the usual baby in a manger setting, but more of how His coming changed lives. Hope you can watch! It’s on December 2, 2007, Sunday at 7pm at the Philamlife Auditorium. Ticket prices are at P200. =)
CLASSES RESUME, I’M STILL IN SEMBREAK MODE
And oh yes, I’m still studying. Unfortunately, my body is still in vacation mode and peacefully ignoring the shrill cries of my alarm. My 2 MA classes are in full swing this week and I have been tardy to all my classes since Day 1. From what I can see the course load is much, much heavier than last sem’s. Bluffing and stock knowledge won’t work this time. One subject, the Socio-cultural Foundations of Education, has 40 items in the reading list, a class report, four written case analyses and a community immersion required. Meanwhile, I am also tackling the first of 3 undergrad subjects I need to get since I’m not an Education major: Phonology of English. Piece of cake (lightning strikes me at this patent untruth.) Readings and papers and lots of meta language to remember. My brain is certainly getting much needed exercise at last!
AND…
Other things are better left unmentioned. Then again, I’m not good at hiding things or what I’m feeling, so I guess it’s pretty obvious that I’m down right now. My current favorite questions are: What’s happening? Why did this happen? And How could I let this happen?
Also, so many things I want but cannot have/do. Some, at least, not yet. The seeming majority, not ever. But hey, the not yet’s are all the important ones anyway. Quality versus quantity this time.
I need a vacation badly.










November 23, 2007
I'M MOVING TODAY!!!
Posted at 11:33 PM

After more than four years here at tabulas, I've found a new home.

Check out: http://www.tarits.com 











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